How do I know who I am?

Flesh and bone, blood and tissue

Animated parts and processing brain

How do I know I am not

An old-model computer the universe

Is ready to upgrade?

I want to have more value than that

I want to matter and have worth

How do I know I am not

A primal animal trapped

For the cosmic zoo to examine?

I know what survival instinct is and

And yet I know

I don’t need to survive at the expense of another

Why do I have the ability to look in a mirror

and see myself, recognize myself?

What is my self?

My skin feels your skin, my lips kiss yours

My heart beats and I smile

What is a smile, anyway?

Why is it so easy to do?

Why don’t we do it more?

I see my chest rise and fall

Rhythmically and constantly

Even when I forget

How do my lungs know when it is time

To breathe?

My legs help me walk and jump and dance

How do they understand which way to go?

I do not know how I know

Things about myself, things about you

I can study this thing called a body

And I can contemplate this thing called a soul

Yet one without the other is

Nothing

Why do they hate me so?

What have I done

To deserve their scorn

Their disgust, their pity

Is it because I have curves?

Is it because they don’t?

Valleys and rounded edges

Soft flesh and gentle rolls

Full figured is their polite way

Of saying they think less of me

But I say full figured is

Of the goddess

Full of promise, full of gratitude

Full of laughter, full of attitude

Full of vibrant life and personality

Full of passion, desire, and sensuality

These rounded hips, these soft thighs

These full breasts, this voluptuous belly

May not be on the cover of a magazine

Or walking down the runway

They want to keep my kind hidden away

Afraid of our power

They demonize us and say we’re all

The size we are because we’re lazy

The shape we are because we’re diseased

They make it shameful to look like us

Or feel like us

So they can feel better than us

And yet the goddess smiles upon me

Full of light, full of courage

Full of wisdom, full of magic

Full figured and fully embodied

She calls me up and sends me forth

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Who hates themselves most of all?

A gift from our society

Ten year old girls vomiting

Messages of shame and self-loathing

Watching their self esteem

Flushed down the toilet

Twelve year old girls dreaming

Of cosmetic surgery and implants

Watching their confidence

Get voted off the runway on TV

Fourteen year old girls cutting themselves

Hoping the fear and judgment

Can be carved out of their souls

Watching their power

Bleed out onto the carpet

Fuck the magazine pictures and ads

Fuck your air brushing, flaw enhancing,

Muscle paralyzing antidotes

To feeling and caring and living

Fuck your creams and gadgets

Your pills and contraptions

Your diets and clothes to hide behind

Give us back the little girls

With their fearlessness and tenacity

Give us back the young women

Who can build a new way

Give us back the mothers and lovers

With a sparkle in their eyes

Ready to lead us back

To ourselves

How did we get to this point

You and I?

Of being at odds

Of being detached from one another?

I remember loving you deeply

Delighting in you and caring for you

And trusting you completely

When did we drift apart?

When was it that I stopped listening to you?

And why?

You were always my confidant, my friend

My lover and my companion

You carried me and comforted me

Cherished me and offered all of you

To me

I know I started to ignore you

I just don’t know why

I know I took you for granted

Assumed you’d always be there,

Always full of energy and life and love

I had no idea how fragile you really are

You entrusted yourself to me

And I let you down

I didn’t realize how lucky I was

Slowly and thoughtlessly

I can see how I poisoned you from the inside

Without even realizing it

I am so sorry, so deeply and painfully sorry

I can see how many years I’ve wasted

Being apart from you

Pretending your needs were not important

Ignoring the wisdom you offer me

Again and again

Selflessly, freely, gently

How did this happen?

Why did I allow myself to treat you

So carelessly?

 

Can you ever forgive me?